I am a warrior. I was born to the eighth generation of a family that measures the power of their men by their service in war. Part from our native side that makes the man count coup. And part from the white side that has waged so many different wars that it seems to be the only thing the men have in common. I became a warrior for it was what I felt I must do. Six years is an unfathomable commitment to a youth of 18 years.
I have been free of war for 2 years, yet, I have not really been free of war for more than a day. I am only a snapshot, a picture in someone elses mind. For the ones who have been close to me, are now, with me only at times when I can sense their presence. The war has cost me the lives of my only 9 friends. My brothers from other mothers. It also cost me my fathers last days, the love of my life, and the sanity of my mother who has yet to come back to us after being told of my death in a hole half a world away.
Did I forget my innocence? That is presuming I had any. After all who takes a job that trains him to kill and equips him to do so? Not a man with innocence. But over six years have passed me since my first tour in the barren mountains of hell, but I still wake up screaming and crying nearly each night. Not for the loss of my innocence, if I had any to begin with, nor for the wasted lives of my brothers, but for the true innocent of war, the children. To see a toddler holding the cold stiff hand of their parent asking her, begging her “mommy please wake up I am hungry and scared,” then two days later seeing the toddler lying next to her mom with the same color of death in both their faces.
I cannot explain where I lost my innocence or when, but I can give you a hundred examples of what it looks like, feels like, even smells like to watch innocence die.
In some way shape or form I am the taker of innocence. For freedom, I steal innocence. For revenge I steal innocence, for spite, anger, hate I steal innocence. How I live with this is the real war. The war that will never end. I stole innocence trying to find mine.
I am the innocence I destroyed in war. That's who I am.
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
who I am "family"
I am from a small, distant family, my family has always been very advanced in women’s rights yet, strangely, very patriarchal. My mother’s side offers a Southern family rich in American history from early in the 1700’s. My father’s side offers a Native American side rich with love and care for the wilds of our home lands. Both combine to put me in the seat of eighth generation United States War Veteran. Men of my family have fought in every major war that America has been in. I hold the prestige of the first to battle three times in two wars.
Women in my family have all had post high school education dating as far back as 1880. My grandmother held a bachelors degree from Minot, ND and pursued a life a ranch wife. Never using her education in a profession, the fact that she had it is remarkable for the 1910’s. Before women could vote my Grandmother was more educated than 70% of the voting men in America.
In the last year all the living men in my family have died. Leaving me the lone male in charge of my patriarchal family. At 25 I had survived 3 wars, that I would’ve preferred not to, lost my father, uncle, and grandfather, and was thrust into the care of my sisters, aunt and, mother. All of which are difficult duties to perform while attending school. Yet that is who I am, a man of DUTY. The former elder of my family said, “Without our duties to perform and the challenge we feel to perform these duties... us men are lost”.
So I perform, despite being lost, my duty will find me. It always has.
This is who I am. And who I am from.
Women in my family have all had post high school education dating as far back as 1880. My grandmother held a bachelors degree from Minot, ND and pursued a life a ranch wife. Never using her education in a profession, the fact that she had it is remarkable for the 1910’s. Before women could vote my Grandmother was more educated than 70% of the voting men in America.
In the last year all the living men in my family have died. Leaving me the lone male in charge of my patriarchal family. At 25 I had survived 3 wars, that I would’ve preferred not to, lost my father, uncle, and grandfather, and was thrust into the care of my sisters, aunt and, mother. All of which are difficult duties to perform while attending school. Yet that is who I am, a man of DUTY. The former elder of my family said, “Without our duties to perform and the challenge we feel to perform these duties... us men are lost”.
So I perform, despite being lost, my duty will find me. It always has.
This is who I am. And who I am from.
a true tale with a twist
A Love Lost
This is the story of a love so strong and lasting that it will be retold for generations to come. At a time when a country was involved in an unpopular war that divided its people over the need for such a war. As with all wars young men must leave their lives and loves behind to do battle in a fight they had no part in starting. Many of these men were never to see their families and friends again, such a high price is paid in all wars. Out of this time of chaos and sorrow our story begins.
A lone soldier named Chad, having already fought his country’s war on two separate occasions, had settled into a life of peace in the woods of his hometown. After his return from the war, a year earlier, he met Jena. Jena was the picture of beauty and elegance, her hair shined like the fire of the sun and her eyes were so blue that the sky itself seemed gray in comparison. Chad’s heart soon took control of him and he found himself unable to live without Jena by his side.
One can not fight the power of love. Even a man as strong as the soldier, who has seen the darkest of human nature and faced death on so many occasions, is powerless to love. Since the first night Chad took another life in the midst of battle, he slowly fell into the despair that life is made of only suffering. Once the war was behind him he vowed to live a life so sheltered that he would never again feel the pain of life. More proof that even the strongest defenses can not hold against the heart once it falls for another. Chad was no exception, the first time he saw Jena something unexplainable shook him to his core. Jena, too, had the same reaction to Chad and the first time their eyes met they both knew that they would never again be apart.
Within a few months they were inseparable and the whole town talked of how perfect they were. The most beautiful, charming woman in town and the most handsome and strong man, together they gave new hope to the future of love in that quite mountain town. The wedding soon followed, it was a beautiful day to accompany a perfect union of hearts. It seemed as though the heavens too were overjoyed at the union of such a pair. For the first time the young warriors life, everything was going his way. Yet, the first challenge these two lovers would face was nearly upon them.
While life seemed perfect in the eyes of the newlyweds, and of their townsfolk, the war raged on a half a world away. Soon Chad was called back to serve once again in the war he tried so hard to leave behind. The war had claimed so many lives that the country was desperately short of men, and they began recalling prior soldiers to return to do battle. Faced with not only a war but a life devoid of this new nirvana called love, Chad felt sick thinking of leaving his beloved Jena. Jena was strong, perhaps stronger than Chad, and she knew he would go, he was born to a family of warriors, to think he would stay was foolish.
The day soon came to leave and the goodbye was painful and long. Chad knew what lay ahead and could not bear the thought of Jena losing him, nor could he her, so he promised himself to return to her. Jena stood silent tears rolling from her blue eyes that now seemed to be darkened by the clouds of pain, as her love and her heart rode away in the back of a truck. Chad was to be gone for a year, but what is time to an aching heart? A minute is a year to a broken heart. Jena wrote Chad everyday and when he could he wrote to Jena, she told him of the life that he was missing and he told her of his longing for her touch. Her letters kept him going in a world he never wanted her to know, and her love gave him the strength to fight his toughest battle to come.
One stormy night Chad and three others were patrolling a violent stretch of a war torn city when they were ambushed. In seconds they were attacked by so many guns that Chad thought the sky was hailing bullets. They ran for their lives trying to reach a nearby river that offered them woods to hide in and wait for help. Chad ran and ran shooting instinctively at those who tried to stop him, he soon reached the river and hid. In that moment he thought of Jena and he saw the look of devastation in her face as she heard of his death. That same moment he made a vow “My last war I fought with out a cause, now I have something worthy of a fight. Jena, I love you, I‘m coming home”. With the power of love in his heart and the mind of a determined warrior Chad fought his way to a cave and waited for help. For three weeks Chad waited, oblivious that he was the only survivor, or that word was already sent to Jena of his death.
At home Jena only recalled a man in uniform talking she couldn’t hear a word but she knew before he spoke that her beloved Chad had died. Grief stricken she fell into a pit of despair surrounded by the memories of their love. She got to a point of no return and chose to end her suffering and her life. She loaded Chad’s gun and began the ordeal of preparing herself to be with Chad for eternity when the mail man knocked at her door. The mailman could see the desperation in his daughters eyes when he gave her a letter from Chad. It was too much for Jena, so her father told her something only another warrior could know. “Jena, Chad has fought for three years of his short life in war and always survived, this time he has love with him. The man may die easily but his heart won’t die that easy, give him time to love you again.” With that the mail man left his daughter to read the words from her lost love.
Jena trembled as she read the letter from a love now departed. When she got to the end the words spoke a promise to her that until then Chad refused to say: “I will come home to you my love, this I promise.” Over come by grief at this impossibility she felt she cursed him by selfishly wanting to hear him say that. Her mind again went to the gun only she was too weak to reach it, as she struggled to get the strength to kill herself a familiar voice spoke to her. She heard Chad ask why she was crying so? So clear was his voice that Jena thought his spirit was with her. Until Chad lay down next to her on the floor and said “My love I will never again cause you this pain, for I am home and that will never change.” Against all odds Chad lived and returned to his love without a moment to spare. United again in love Chad and Jena continued their lives and true to his word he never left her and she never left him.
To this day no one knows how Chad survived, or how he got home from such a land. The records of his country still list him as killed in action. Some say he wanted it that way, others say he was killed and the heavens sent him back to keep a beautiful love alive. I say a little of both.
This is the story of a love so strong and lasting that it will be retold for generations to come. At a time when a country was involved in an unpopular war that divided its people over the need for such a war. As with all wars young men must leave their lives and loves behind to do battle in a fight they had no part in starting. Many of these men were never to see their families and friends again, such a high price is paid in all wars. Out of this time of chaos and sorrow our story begins.
A lone soldier named Chad, having already fought his country’s war on two separate occasions, had settled into a life of peace in the woods of his hometown. After his return from the war, a year earlier, he met Jena. Jena was the picture of beauty and elegance, her hair shined like the fire of the sun and her eyes were so blue that the sky itself seemed gray in comparison. Chad’s heart soon took control of him and he found himself unable to live without Jena by his side.
One can not fight the power of love. Even a man as strong as the soldier, who has seen the darkest of human nature and faced death on so many occasions, is powerless to love. Since the first night Chad took another life in the midst of battle, he slowly fell into the despair that life is made of only suffering. Once the war was behind him he vowed to live a life so sheltered that he would never again feel the pain of life. More proof that even the strongest defenses can not hold against the heart once it falls for another. Chad was no exception, the first time he saw Jena something unexplainable shook him to his core. Jena, too, had the same reaction to Chad and the first time their eyes met they both knew that they would never again be apart.
Within a few months they were inseparable and the whole town talked of how perfect they were. The most beautiful, charming woman in town and the most handsome and strong man, together they gave new hope to the future of love in that quite mountain town. The wedding soon followed, it was a beautiful day to accompany a perfect union of hearts. It seemed as though the heavens too were overjoyed at the union of such a pair. For the first time the young warriors life, everything was going his way. Yet, the first challenge these two lovers would face was nearly upon them.
While life seemed perfect in the eyes of the newlyweds, and of their townsfolk, the war raged on a half a world away. Soon Chad was called back to serve once again in the war he tried so hard to leave behind. The war had claimed so many lives that the country was desperately short of men, and they began recalling prior soldiers to return to do battle. Faced with not only a war but a life devoid of this new nirvana called love, Chad felt sick thinking of leaving his beloved Jena. Jena was strong, perhaps stronger than Chad, and she knew he would go, he was born to a family of warriors, to think he would stay was foolish.
The day soon came to leave and the goodbye was painful and long. Chad knew what lay ahead and could not bear the thought of Jena losing him, nor could he her, so he promised himself to return to her. Jena stood silent tears rolling from her blue eyes that now seemed to be darkened by the clouds of pain, as her love and her heart rode away in the back of a truck. Chad was to be gone for a year, but what is time to an aching heart? A minute is a year to a broken heart. Jena wrote Chad everyday and when he could he wrote to Jena, she told him of the life that he was missing and he told her of his longing for her touch. Her letters kept him going in a world he never wanted her to know, and her love gave him the strength to fight his toughest battle to come.
One stormy night Chad and three others were patrolling a violent stretch of a war torn city when they were ambushed. In seconds they were attacked by so many guns that Chad thought the sky was hailing bullets. They ran for their lives trying to reach a nearby river that offered them woods to hide in and wait for help. Chad ran and ran shooting instinctively at those who tried to stop him, he soon reached the river and hid. In that moment he thought of Jena and he saw the look of devastation in her face as she heard of his death. That same moment he made a vow “My last war I fought with out a cause, now I have something worthy of a fight. Jena, I love you, I‘m coming home”. With the power of love in his heart and the mind of a determined warrior Chad fought his way to a cave and waited for help. For three weeks Chad waited, oblivious that he was the only survivor, or that word was already sent to Jena of his death.
At home Jena only recalled a man in uniform talking she couldn’t hear a word but she knew before he spoke that her beloved Chad had died. Grief stricken she fell into a pit of despair surrounded by the memories of their love. She got to a point of no return and chose to end her suffering and her life. She loaded Chad’s gun and began the ordeal of preparing herself to be with Chad for eternity when the mail man knocked at her door. The mailman could see the desperation in his daughters eyes when he gave her a letter from Chad. It was too much for Jena, so her father told her something only another warrior could know. “Jena, Chad has fought for three years of his short life in war and always survived, this time he has love with him. The man may die easily but his heart won’t die that easy, give him time to love you again.” With that the mail man left his daughter to read the words from her lost love.
Jena trembled as she read the letter from a love now departed. When she got to the end the words spoke a promise to her that until then Chad refused to say: “I will come home to you my love, this I promise.” Over come by grief at this impossibility she felt she cursed him by selfishly wanting to hear him say that. Her mind again went to the gun only she was too weak to reach it, as she struggled to get the strength to kill herself a familiar voice spoke to her. She heard Chad ask why she was crying so? So clear was his voice that Jena thought his spirit was with her. Until Chad lay down next to her on the floor and said “My love I will never again cause you this pain, for I am home and that will never change.” Against all odds Chad lived and returned to his love without a moment to spare. United again in love Chad and Jena continued their lives and true to his word he never left her and she never left him.
To this day no one knows how Chad survived, or how he got home from such a land. The records of his country still list him as killed in action. Some say he wanted it that way, others say he was killed and the heavens sent him back to keep a beautiful love alive. I say a little of both.
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